The Essential Stormy Cruz

Contact me by email at: StormyCruz(at)gmail(dot)com, or try me on Twitter.

Modesty is one of my many virtues.

I’m a lifeguard.

I never trust a person who dislikes dogs for no particular reason.

I’m 26.

I am a shameless Snoop Dogg fan.

I am roughly as graceful as a club-footed pachyderm on stilts.

I’m immediately suspicious of self-described “morning people.”

I can sing “This is Why I’m Hot” in German.

I love the smell of library books.

I often express myself in a very unladylike, expletive-ridden fashion.

I think diamonds really are a girl’s best friend.

I am often sarcastic.

I’m Cuban.

One of my biggest pet peeves (somewhere between liars and loud chewers/phone-breathers) is bad grammar.

I work out quite a bit.

Witty banter turns me on.

I sometimes fear my job forces me to interfere with natural selection.

I am a strong supporter of natural selection.

In my spare time, I wish leprosy, sexual dysfunction and rickets upon people who think littering is cool.

I love good red wine.

I hate self-indulgent poetry.

I live in Florida.

I have a paralyzing fear of cockroaches.

I would rather bathe in cockroaches than throw a big, white, fluffy, pretentious wedding for myself.

Willful ignorance is a bigger turnoff to me than a history of violent crime.

I think thunderstorms are sexy.

I own two Ball Pythons, Herman and Lilly (50 bonus points if you can tell me their namesakes without Googling), and a Bearded Dragon named Puff.

I have little tolerance for people lacking a functional cerebral cortex.

Ditto for people who are easily offended.

People talk about singers having “the voice of an angel.” I want my angel to sound just like Snoop Dogg. The man’s voice is smoother than a baby’s ass.

I’m not a great driver.

I groan loudly when people say things like “I like to have fun” as if this statement provides some unique and profound insight into their personality.

I prefer to drink my water at room temperature.

I would love to throw funerals for trite analogies if only to bury them once and for all, thus saving fellow humans the agony of such atrocities as “dead as a doornail,” and “emotional rollercoaster.”

I think having a double-digit number of children should be a felony.

I excel at sleeping.

I think there’s something poetic about the word “esoteric” going over someone’s head.

I eat plants (pretty much exclusively).

I’ve made the argument that religious zealotry is more dangerous than weapons of mass destruction.

I enjoy following and practicing MMA.

Non-words like “supposably,” “irregardless,” and “heighth” are like fire ants in my brain.

I read a lot.

Once, as a child, my parents took me to a place called “Unicorn Village.” It turned out to be a health food store. I fully expected unicorns and have not yet fully recovered.