Just Right.

by Stormy Cruz on February 12, 2011 · 23 comments

That perfect night it all began,
With the glistening ring on her left hand,
A symbol of their perfect love,
Eclipsing the moon and stars above.

After Italian and some nice blush wine,
He asked her to be his Valentine,
From that moment ‘till the sea ran dry,
The sun grew cold, and pigs could fly.

He told her she sparkled like the sun in June,
As a violin played a romantic tune,
And she knew that the tingle she felt in her heart,
Was the sweetest sting of cupid’s dart.

Their love just wouldn’t settle for less,
And it would all begin with the perfect dress.
It must be white, because she’s pure,
But all the better if it’s haute couture.

Although she’ll only wear it once,
And the cost could feed a small village for months,
It’ll be just as she’d dreamt as a little girl,
Down to the very last little white pearl.

She’d need something old, new, borrowed, and blue.
Why? Well, no one really one knew.
He’d wear a sharp tux and a snazzy bowtie,
And he’d try his darndest not to cry.

Plans had begun a year before,
The blushing bride stepped through that door.
But she finally appeared, like Princess Snowflake,
His very own frosted, alabaster cupcake.

The guests watch sniffling and wiping their noses,
As she walks very slowly on petals of roses,
Scattered by little twin cherub-faced girls,
With perfectly golden ringlet curls.

She reaches him, he lifts her veil,
And thus begins the fairy tale—
After a man, with some disdain,
Stops to adjust her 12-foot train.

The little boy who bore the rings,
Offered them up like sacred things.
And so they were; that 18-K,
Would always remind them not to stray.

With a man in a robe, some “repeat after me,”
And a candle to show their unity,
Surrounded by flowers and satin and lace,
The bride and groom finally got to first base.

After a shower of rice and a hundred blown kisses,
They were announced to the room as Mister and Missus,
Then they giggled and swayed to Olivia coo,
Their perfect song, “I Honestly Love You.”

The two shared a moment of dramatic affection,
By their towering display of pastry perfection,
Of which each guest savored all of two bites,
While in forced conversation with the other invites.

The two’d asked every soul they knew,
To join them on this day to view,
This expression of their perfect love,
Under the smiling eyes of God above.

And later that night in the wee hours,
A janitor swept up their wilting flowers,
Then paused as he very briefly took aim,
And puffed out the dwindling union flame.

Meanwhile the bride was whisked by her groom,
Through the threshold of their perfect room,
And on this perfect day, with that perfect kiss,
Began their perfect lives of perfect bliss.

{ 23 comments… read them below or add one }

1 chickens consigliere February 12, 2011 at 12:18 pm

is it bad that I thought there would be a punch line? Also, do you know how much that cake cost? Like, enough to keep a whole third world country in Ramen noodles for a year. Not that they want to eat Ramen for a year…who wants that? Nobody, that’s who. Well, except my 15-year-old, he probably does. But he’s the only one, I’m pretty sure. What the hell am I talking about now. Can you just shut your mouth, Chicken? For a minute? Geez. Well, excuse me.

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2 Stormy Cruz February 12, 2011 at 10:45 pm

Ha, it’s not bad. Actually, I seriously contemplated a punchline/twist ending, but I finally decided it best to remain searingly sarcastic through to the end.

The cake was absurdly expensive. Enough to outfit an entire Ethiopian village in Jimmy Choos. (Or something equally ludicrous.)

Haha, you’re welcome to spew nonsense here anytime, Chicken. ;) Lord knows, I do.

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3 Chuck February 12, 2011 at 7:19 pm

Stormy, who knew you had such a soft side. Nice poem and nice thoughts…must admit I too was anticipating a punch line. But I’m over that.

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4 Stormy Cruz February 12, 2011 at 10:50 pm

*le-sigh*

It appears I’m going to have to come up with a new ending for this thing after all. I meant for this silly poem to be a mockery of pretentious romantic nonsense and fluffy, idiotic weddings, etc. Of course, if I have to explain myself, I must have failed.

Better luck next time, Stormy.

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5 chickens consigliere February 13, 2011 at 12:59 pm

I was getting the sarcastic vibe most of the way through-which led to my punchline expectation. But then in the end, I did have a moment where I said to myself, “hmmm. I wonder if Stormy got engaged…or eloped with Rafe. Or maybe a stripper”, but just as quickly, I said, “nah, she’s having some fun”, and then I wished I had some wedding cake.

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6 Rafe February 14, 2011 at 11:01 am

If Stormy and I were to elope with strippers… I am solidly in favor of this course of events.

Reading that might, in fact, be the high point of my VD. It depends on how good the sushi is tonight.

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7 Stormy Cruz February 14, 2011 at 6:08 pm

If you can get me the stripper from Mons, I’ll start packing my bags.

Also, I love that you abbreviate “Valentine’s Day” with “VD.”

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8 Rafe February 15, 2011 at 11:22 am

Okay, what was her name?

Hey, I’m a free agent now, I can exhibit this kind of questionable judgment with far fewer repurcussions.

… are you suggesting that it *isn’t* a social disease involving the genitals?

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9 Stormy Cruz February 15, 2011 at 6:01 pm

I can’t remember. You’ll know her when you see her.

This is why we need reverse italics for sarcastic text. My love for the “VD” abbreviation was, in fact, totally genuine.

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10 Rafe February 16, 2011 at 9:58 am

I knew your love was genuine.

I am not sure how I’m supposed to recognize the ass of a woman I’ve never seen, nor am ever likely to see, especially if, in the unlikely event I ever get my ass of questionable pulchritude to Mons… “Hi, I’m looking for a girl with the most amazing ass…?”

Me being me, I do feel compelled to ask how her tits were, if you happened to notice.

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11 Stormy Cruz February 17, 2011 at 12:44 am

I knew your love was genuine.

Thank goodness.

I couldn’t tell you how her tits were any more than I could tell you what her favorite color is. *sigh* She might just become the stripper that got away. [Cue obligatory T-Pain, "I'm in Love With a Stripper."]

I’m thinking about making “pulchritude” my next WoW in her honor.

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12 Rafe February 18, 2011 at 4:43 pm

*one-ups*

Calliphygian

13 Stormy Cruz February 14, 2011 at 6:05 pm

Rafe and I have discussed our pending nuptials and, well…now Rafe has to go take a cold shower.

Re: wedding cake. Who says you have to wait until weddings for the goodness? Do it up!

In any case, I’m going to come up with an alternate ending or two for the poem. Stay tuned, chica. ;)

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14 Rafe February 15, 2011 at 11:24 am

Hey, I tried to make you need one, too, but my kung fu was weaksauce.

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15 Stormy Cruz February 15, 2011 at 6:03 pm

Leave that to the stripper. ;)

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16 Rafe February 18, 2011 at 4:42 pm

That’s BEGGING for a “Leave it to Beaver” rejoinder, and we both know it.

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17 Stormy Cruz February 18, 2011 at 4:46 pm

Hahahahaha….

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18 Chickens Consigliere February 27, 2011 at 2:22 am

hahahha. You two are cute together. Please elope. And invite me to the wedding. I could be the stripper’s date. leer.

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19 Stormy Cruz March 3, 2011 at 10:09 pm

If Rafe and I got married, Chicken, you’d have to be my Maid of Honor.

As for the stripper, you can have her for the reception…but I’m taking her on the honeymoon. ;)

20 The General February 24, 2011 at 4:24 am

I quite liked the poem, searingly sarcastic works perfectly!

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21 Stormy Cruz March 2, 2011 at 4:25 pm

Thank you so much, General. <3
I appreciate the love. And welcome to IB! I hope to see you back soon. ;)

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22 Stormy Cruz February 18, 2011 at 4:48 pm

Oh my God! I just stumbled upon callipygian the other day and decided I had to make that my next WoW. Now it really has to happen. I just have to come up with a worthy post. Stay tuned!

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23 Rafe February 22, 2011 at 8:36 am

I live to serve.

Or at least return with a solid baseline volley.

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